Before we go our separate ways she asks me if I think that we will be together again someday?
I tell her another lie. Everything I have told her has been a lie. I can't even tell if the feelings I thought I felt were real. I tell her maybe someday. I tell her I need time to get my life in order. Whatever that means. It gives her hope, it fills me with guilt.
She smiles and leaves. I have no idea if she can see through the bull shit or if she just wants to believe there is good in me. Unfortunately I have made her lie to herself. My lies have become a cancer and have now spread to her life.
She calls me a few days later, reminding me of another lie. I told her we can stay friends. I want nothing more to do with her so I let the voice mail get it. Soon after she is forgotten by me. I wish it were that easy for her. The lie has grown.
Its several months later. She is still holding on. I want her to let go. She won’t.
The room is dark and I want to leave. I some how convinced her that having sex would not complicate things. Another lie. I stay the night for her, or at least that is the lie I tell myself.
Another call is going to my voice mail. My guilt festers. Why did I let it get this bad? Why did I take the call when I was lonely and horny? Such a bad combination. She is asking me if what happened last night was just sex and I don't want to be with her at all.
I can no longer spare her feelings. I say nothing. Nothing some how washes away all my lies like a tidal wave. She wakes up and sees me for what I am. If only she had seen this before. My guilt becomes her regret.
She leaves in tears. Tears of joy? I hope so.
Time has passed and I get a text message. It’s her. She found someone and is happy. I can't help but feel jealousy. Not that he has her but that his lies are better. I lie to her again and tell her that I am happy she is happy. I never see her again. I tell myself it’s for the best. Another lie?
Monday, October 31, 2011
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