You are everything I dont want to remember

I don’t want to remember her anymore.

Why can't someone who was so important in your life, someone who knew you better than you did yourself, someone whose heart beat in your chest and yours in hers, could just fade from memory? Like warm breath on cold mirror. Just. Gone.

I don’t want to remember you anymore.

I think it is slipping.

I used to be able to remember. In my mind you were covered head to toe in breathable summer attire - Chuck Taylor slip ons, a white see through tank top, black bra, your favorite and shortest jean shorts that always left me speechless and staring in awe. I remember I closed my eyes, and when I opened them you were staring at me with a grin on your face and you laughed. I always thought you were up to something, but I never found out. So I put it out of my mind and started skipping rocks again into the lake.

On the way back home in the back seat, you were smiling at me and hot from the summer air. I put my arm around you and held you tight. You gave me a warm, grateful smile, and I remember thinking making you smile is definitely worth a hot afternoon or two, or fifty. The sun shone about as I kissed you in the entrance of your apartment, and everything faded away – the sun, the heat, the wind, the poor homeless man who sits on the corners in Towson.

I remember I was so anxious to get back to your place. Once we did you took off your clothes and mine, and hugged me under the bed sheets first, and then the floral covers that you liked. We fell asleep like that, and I remember drifting off, thinking that it was nice to be happy and cheerful for a change and I liked it and I also cooled down.

And that’s it. All I want to have left are impressions.

Its slipping away.

I don’t remember your face, but I remember the quirky dance of your lips. I don’t remember your hand in mine, but I remember mine cozy resting on your leg. I don’t remember your eyes, but I remember the way you looked at me and really saw me. I don’t remember your skin against mine, but I remember the sensation that came over me when you brushed up next to me. I don’t remember how you smelled, but I remember the exact smell of the shampoo, that I could never use, in your hair when you came out of the shower.

I don’t want to remember what you looked like, but I do remember when we hug, my chin will just about rest on your head. I know you could hear my heartbeat in my chest. And I never had the chance to tell you that it beat for you, always.

And that would have been it, but your heart couldn’t beat anymore, and my promise that mine would for you, always, is the only reason it still is.

I don’t want to have many memories left of you, and as time goes by, I will have less as they slip throw the cracks in the wall of my mind. Maybe, the memories go back to you, maybe they have to, to make you whole. Maybe it doesn’t matter what I remember, save that I loved, and was loved, and that will have to be enough.